Our latest operating system, Mid-Thirties, is now available and ready to install. OS 34.0 introduces an array of new, nonnegotiable features.
Larger Gut Size
You used to love going out—well, your torso still can. Taut Midsection has been updated, so you can show off your new Gut, whether you like it or not (available in thirteen- and seventeen-inch options).
Improved Alcohol-Processing Speed
A hangover used to require a six-pack and a full litre of wine. But with streamlined Alcohol Processing, it only requires two cocktails, or maybe even one if you’re already tired. And, with OS 34.0’s increased Headache Speed, God forbid you don’t chug water.
Reimagined Back Lock
Customize your upgraded Back with all-new ways to make it lock up and wince in unexpected pain. Your Back will now lock if you:
- Sit up from the couch too quickly.
- Turn your head too quickly.
- Lie down and then move in any way.
Updated Synch Options
Remember how your parents used to seem out of touch when they didn’t know the musical guests on “S.N.L.”? Now it’s your turn. Though your connection to your personal music library has never been stronger, OS 34.0 will make you feel extremely out of synch with newer musical acts, which, to you, now sound like a running dishwasher trying to yodel.
Accelerated Dark Mode
No matter if it’s day or night, you can easily Go Dark—whether it’s your thoughts, feelings, or attitude. (Note: This feature is automatically activated by Reimagined Back Lock.)
Reconfigured Photos
All photos are now blurry. For an additional fee, subscribe to find a decent optometrist in-network and to wear glasses for the rest of your life.
Boosted Financial Focus
Whether it’s the cost of a decent couch that you can’t afford or a set of pots and pans that you can actually fucking cook with, your focus is now permanently on money. In fact, with your optimized Financial Focus, it will be so easy to think about it that you’ll hardly think about anything else. And, with new social options, you can seamlessly share your Financial Focus with up to five people (provided that they are enrolled in the same economic class as you).
More Durable Outlook
We’re particularly proud to introduce an enhanced perspective with your More Durable Mid-Thirties Outlook. Recently fired from your job or dumped by your partner? Get through the existential torment of wondering who’s that person you don’t recognize in the mirror faster, with more secure identity verification. Are specific tasks accelerating your anxiety? No more hitting Refresh over and over—simply use your new Outlook to widen your awareness that this, too, shall pass.
Enhanced Parental Empathy
Connectivity to your parents has never been easier—not only do you finally understand why their Battery is consistently drained but your Display is even starting to look like theirs. ♦