Pence Says He Hid Behind Classified Documents to Keep Women from Lusting After Him

    CARMEL, INDIANA (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence has revealed that he often hid behind classified documents to prevent women who were not his wife from lusting after him.

    Speaking to reporters outside his home in Indiana, Pence said that his “greatest fear” was dining alone in a restaurant and being accosted by women “hellbent on seducing me.”

    “Whenever possible, I’d bring Mother,” he said. “But when she wasn’t available I’d hide my face behind classified documents.”

    The former Vice-President hoped that the American people would understand his using secret documents as “a mask of sorts” to keep Pence-crazed women from hurling themselves at him.

    “People are saying that having classified documents in my personal possession was wrong,” he said. “All I ask is that they consider the human cost—day in, day out—of being as sexy as Mike Pence.”

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