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    Wedding Speech for My Podcast Co-host


    Hello, my name is Genevieve, and although many of you might not recognize me I’m sure you recognize my voice, as I am the co-host of the socialist, stoner, dating-advice, pop-culture-commentary, beauty-tips, and humor podcast “High, Help, Hooray,” alongside our beautiful bride, Daphne.

    When we started the show, Daphne was single and an aspiring poet, and we both were bartenders at Skinny Dennis, where we spent most of our time spewing Karl Marx quotes and talking about “The Bachelor” with drunk patrons. Now she’s getting married, and we get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars by people on Patreon to spew Karl Marx quotes and talk about “The Bachelor.” So, yes, I’m one-half of the reason that Daphne and Micah were able to pay for their own wedding. You’re welcome! Also, thank you to Blue Apron for providing today’s wedding feast; thredUP for these bridesmaids dresses; and Stamps.com for the wedding goodie bags filled with Forever stamps.

    Daphne told me in an early episode that she was into only one type of guy—someone who wears a lot of Patagonia. Micah fit the bill, and, as a bonus, his dating profile listed Pro Tools proficiency and we needed a new editor for the podcast.

    I’ve been lucky to have had an inside view of their relationship, which she talks about to millions of strangers every week on our podcast, when we’re not talking about C-list-celebrity relationships, social-exchange theory, the death of democracy, and skin-care products that make our faces glow.

    I know about the time they almost broke up after Micah spilled coffee on Daphne’s leather-bound copy of “The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte” and the time he took a dump on the side of the road during a road trip. I remember the episode where Daphne told the story about moving in with Micah’s parents after their apartment got mold, in which she revealed that she’d rather be alone forever than have to talk to Micah’s mother, Marsha, one more time. It was all perfect podcast content. Hi, Marsha, you look beautiful!

    Over the course of many episodes, in which we interviewed philosophers, heads of state, cult leaders, and former stars of the CW, we have received priceless relationship advice, and I thought I would read some of that advice here, to guide you two as you take the next step in your journey together.

    Brazil’s former President Jair Bolsonaro once told us: “If someone says they want to move on from you, you just tell them that is not the case. You say, ‘Not possible. I will not leave.’ ”

    Or, as Elon Musk put it: “You should get married on 4/20 LOL.”

    Or consider what Tom Brady said: “Go deep!”

    Don’t forget what my next-door neighbor Jim counselled: “If you break up with Micah, call me—I can get you set up in the Harem, my new spiritual organization. Also, I go by Lord Jim now.”

    Finally, I’ll leave you with Alexis Bledel’s advice: “Cooking is fun on a date.”

    Jim is in jail for wire fraud now, but I hope you’ll take all this to heart and have a successful and loving marriage, until you get divorced so we can talk about it on the show! Now, please raise a glass to the happy couple! ♦

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