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    What to Do About Your Noisy Neighbors


    Got noisy neighbors?

    Try asking them, in a friendly way, to keep the noise down.

    If that doesn’t work . . .

    Try explaining how thin the walls are and how their TV affects your sleep.

    If that doesn’t work . . .

    Try a polite knock-knock-knock on the wall.

    If that doesn’t work . . .

    Try pounding on the wall.

    If that doesn’t work . . .

    Show up at their door—covered in fake blood.

    If that doesn’t work . . .

    Electric guitar. Huge amplifier. Teach yourself “Smoke on the Water.” Be a slow learner.

    If that doesn’t work . . .

    They have kids, right? Ask about the kids. Offer boarding-school brochures.

    If that doesn’t work . . .

    Buy an ant farm. Release the farmers beneath your neighbors’ door.

    If that doesn’t work . . .

    Run your laptop audio through the amp—porn, porn, and more porn.

    If that doesn’t work . . .

    Connect to their Bluetooth speaker (called Noel’s SAMSUNG Tunes). More porn.

    If that doesn’t work (I hate Noel) . . .

    Their door, 3 A.M. Real blood. Any animal’s. Stand there. Stare. Quietly sing “Happy Birthday.”

    If that doesn’t work (I actually despise him) . . .

    Stay up for several days. I know—several more. Prepare yourself.

    It probably won’t work, but Noel is a narcissistic piece of dog—

    That’s them leaving the apartment! Jump out. Swear that you’ll be here each time they leave, each time they return. Show them the rope you bought.

    It didn’t work (because Noel is sick, and Liza is a sociopath), so . . .

    E-mail the property manager. Actually, that’s useless. Fuck the property manager. Call the city.

    When that doesn’t work (for what it’s worth, Noel and Liza’s kids are spoiled brats) . . .

    Join a gang or crime family. Carry out your initiation killings against rival gangs or mobs.

    After that doesn’t work (and I was nice to the brats, by the way) . . .

    Ask someone in the gang to “talk to” your neighbor.

    Get caught.

    Go to jail.

    Try asking your cellmate, in a friendly way, to keep the noise down. ♦

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